Heart Reformatted (Me for Me): Changing My Way of Thinking.

I've been adjusting my way of thinking when it comes to the people I date. I wouldn't say that I've had an epiphany, but a realization that shows a certain flaw in the choices I've made. I have performed an observation of my past and I have realized that I tend to go for a certain type; put simply its the type that doesn't want me for me.

The people I have dated have been people who stuck around for what I appeared to be and when I came true to form it was simply too much. I can rant all day and all night about how some are just no good, but truthfully, the only person I can blame is myself.

I haven't been to the gym in a week and it feels great! Before you start hurling insults out about how fat I'm going to get, hear me out. If you know anything about me, you would know that I've spent more time in the gym than necessary and when I didn't get in the gym I would feel somewhat inadequate. I couldn't give a damn about fitness & health, it was all about image. I had to feel desired physically and what better place to feed this need than 24 hour fitness? The problem was, with my "gym body", I was attracting the shallow. These are people who wouldn't accept me, let alone look at me twice with any extra weight around my midsection. The relationships could only be based on sex because sexual attraction is really the groundwork that started them. These rendezvous would only last as long as I was doing pull ups and and squats. Don't get me wrong, I loved the attention, but at the end of the day...emptiness.

Most people who date based on physique don't ever get to the core. You don't know how many people have no clue that I write, let alone went to college, or have human feelings, why? Because they just wanted F*ck.

I don't want to get to far off from my initial point of writing this entry so let me take you back...I realize that I've been doing it all wrong to find that special someone. I always went for the unattainable, meanwhile I would have quite a few (not to brag or boast) waiting for the opportunity to date me and what did I do? Ignore them. I was so busy busting my ass in the gym for no reason and pretending to be someone I wasn't for people who couldn't care less about how I felt. I came to the conclusion that I had to change my way of thinking and therein alter "my type" if you will.

The Tom & Jerry-thrill-of-the-chase way of dating is dead to me. I don't want to chase anymore. I don't want to convince anymore people that I am the one for them, I also don't want anyone to convince me. I want someone to be honest with their feelings from the jump and I want to be honest with mine and if that is too much for whoever...more fish in the sea. The truth of the matter is, love isn't a game, some competitive ass man decided it was too simple and decided to make it "interesting" and somehow it became a way of life.

Recently, a friend of mine asked me if I would be interested in dating one of his friends because he thought we would hit it off. I replied "No" at first because I was busy chasing some loser and was blinded by that disaster. I was also caught in this idea that the person wasn't "my type" when I knew nothing whatsoever about them. I instantly, sent a reply text and said "give me their number." I thought to myself "why the hell am I saying some one isn't 'my type' when all of those who fit into that horrible category have caused me and my heart harm?" At that moment, I erased my so called preference and decided to stop chasing, turn around, stand still, and simply be captured.

The last few weeks, I have been Kevin Dwayne. I haven't adjusted anything about myself. I frequent the gym for me and its when I want to go. Those I date are into me because of my mind, my current state of being, and not what I may potentially be in their minds. This is how it should be and I refuse to be put back in that mess I was in before. So to all those who gave me a hard time, I want to Thank You for being the assholes you were because you taught me how to let go, let it burn, and go for those who truly want me for me.

-K. Dwayne